my situation

“Good for you, most people wouldn’t be so active in your situation” she said as we finished up our meal. “My situation?” I asked confused.

I write this made recently unemployed with no clue what to apply or pursue next. I have a sick father miles away that is about to under go cancer treatment for a spread still undefined at this time. My roommate of the last three years is moving to San Fran in a matter of months with his girlfriend. And yet again, I enter a monk phase where any desire to relate to another man has hibernated for a time to be defined.

To her credit I think she meant the first bit and my recent spending habits when she mentioned ‘my situation’ but I had to giggle as fucked if I could think of what else to do now in 'my situation' but find glee through concert and movie tickets etc. I really need glee right now.

“Most people would stay at home, spend more time at home I guess is all I mean.”

Its being left alone amongst my four walls normally that would put me in a state of fear as I do not well with thinking. Having the luxury to languish with my own thoughts usually leads to a twist of the gut with a life outlook dire. Lately however that is not the case. Thanks to a bald fat man I have learned to steer my own cognitive ship and it’s been such a relief. But still I was a bit offended at the passive aggressive judgment of the statement, even if it was accidental.

I strongly believe you are your thoughts, that if you foster jealousy you beget lack, if you foster envy you end up alone etc. 2010 has been a test of this for sure. Having entered January with sun kissed optimism still glowing from a recent trip to Brazil, I set out to plan the year ahead with authentic and deserving goals only to have the roadmap thwarted at every turn. With two months left of the year I can confidently say it will not end anywhere near where I had planned.

The person that said the ‘situation’ comment is one of my near and dears and truth be told I have never been jealous or envious of her, she is too sweet to. On the night however as she sat there with her husband discussing her anticipatory familial visits to their new condo on account of the upcoming birth, my eyes went green almost in defense. Deep breaths were taken and I got through it. I will forget about the comment eventually but I have to admit that night it was hard.