dem apples

Tonight the moon a moment before the sun slumbered was a lovely apple red against the pale blue sky; a fitting end for a day centered on that inaugural fruit.

“It all started with the Apple remember that” Frenchy says to me this morning as I readied myself for the countryside. Back in the original garden the moment the first red skin met incisor, temptation and desire forever found its place under the myopic judgment of the unseen mystical jury up in the sky. From this point forward inherent drives and desires lacking intellect crossed lines wider than the greatest oceans. Though true for the Catholics, what was my excuse I wondered as I sat atop my apple picking ladder biting into a Cortland with a slight hard on in my pants. Always in the garden, forever unyielding.

I was due to have a date later on tonight, or so I thought but he never called. Truth is I am glad he didn’t, not because he was not attractive or interesting as he was but its the fear of relating again, or attempting to, has made me gun-shy. I am definitely in protective incubation mode as I continue to work the rest of my life shit out. I pondered if I would have been more relaxed if he texted me and said “wanna f_ck” providing a snickers bar level of satisfaction, yet the fact that even that wasn’t sent relieved me as well.

I am forever at a state of defensive dissonance with my drives and this week has blatantly illustrated this. To say I was randy would be like calling the pope religious. An understatement illustrated by the quick turn of my neck to anything pretty and the conversation stopping distraction of all things male that consumes me of late. I need to ‘scratch the itch’ but yet its the risk of confusion that it would cause that keeps me adequately repulsed to not follow through. This confusion, yet more confusion would scare me to death.

I am not afraid of the whole ‘will sex mean a relationship?’ confusion, that clichéd fear that usually is found post bump and grind. Rather I am afraid sex let me down, again.

I was at the Nordic Spa on Friday, a life changing experience. I entered for relaxation and left with sensory restoration. In amongst the hot and cold baths I kept lapsing into meditation so rewarding and accessible it had the ironic ease of everyday conversation in this muted environment. Meditation that was continuously fostered by the sensuality of the space. The last time I had been this focused was Brazil. For four hours I allowed my mind to be governed by my senses and much like after my time in Rio, I left sublimely satisfied.

I am not naïve to sex, nor do I have puritan values and think every moment hot and sweaty must be the making of and or leading to love. I love fucking. Lately however I have become so bored by it. Sitting in the eucalyptus steam room, face wet and shoulders caressed with warmth greater than any hug I have known from a man or woman, I was sullen a moment, saddened by the realization that I have only ever felt this by myself. I fear that if I just ‘scratch that itch’ and play the naked egoic power struggle I have come to know as modern sexuality I will only be reminded of this and I have no room for sad right now.

Red is the color of the root or base Chakra, the energy center responsible for the grounding force that allows us to connect to the earth energies and empower our beings. An apple red usually in text, symbol and ornament, this red was the same red as the moon at sunset. To clear one’s root chakra it is suggested that stomping on the ground or marching will in turn open any blockages. I giggled when I read that as with all the frustrations found in 2010 thus far and the ways I have managed them inclusive of countless kms ran and hours at the gym, my ‘red’ root Chakra is biblically cleaned god dammit.

Newton gained his claim to fame with the fall of an apple, sparking an idea that would change the way we would forever see life. I am not looking for anything that grandiose but this afternoon as I picked and apples fell from the branches above, I have to admit with every thud heard as they hit the ground to decay under the yet to come winter snow, I awaited for the moment of clarity that would bring me insight as to how to answer this question. A law still undefined, I sat atop the latter and bit into another apple.