c.s.my.

Today the most beautiful man was at the coffee shop in the village. His eyes, dark and intense like the coffee he sipped, focused on the newspaper crosswords while his hand scribed answers confidentially with black pen. Intelligent and or fearless; either way hot. Dressed in the inherent masculine colors and textures of autumn, his clothes were analogous to the man inside. I watched him a few minutes as he paused to run his hands through his hair, hair more pepper then salt and started to wonder what he sounded like. An easy question to answer with a simple hello on my part.

The evening prior my mother had called and regaled me with a synopsis of one of the McCrime Dramas she had watched that evening in which one the suspect was a gay man whom every time he attempted to access his need to meet other gay men would end up murdering them. She knew not the name of the show and truthfully kept forgetting or changing details of the story, still however I got the gist. “It must be so awful to be that angry like that, I mean the man just never allowed himself to be happy” she said on the phone. Bless her.

I could have talked to Mr. Crossword, I could have said hi but I didn’t. Instead I donned the ipod and went about my journey home.

Now I didn’t stop myself from saying hi out of fear of rejection, contrary to how blatant that may appear. Nor was I afraid of him accepting me and I in turn become like the suspect my mother’s most watched melodrama. I was out of duck tape and black garbage bags anyways. In truth however it was the latter that was more akin to my motive.

During the last few years I have let some dickhead men into my life. Men that when I look back now and see that it was moment one that held red flags felt on a guttural level that i chose to ignore. I let many in.

With this last year I have been letting many of them out and creating a space not empty but rather full of room for new healthier type of relationship. So far the relationship re-org has been predominately on the friend level and the results have been instantaneously inspired. I now surround myself with people that gutturally bring me joy that if needed I could intellectualize their importance to my life but there has not been a need to go that far? Its trite to say, but my sense of self right now is directly reaping the bulk of the rewards.

As I stood in the café looking at Mr.Crossword the dialogue that ran through my head was “not yet, I can’t yet I am not ready”. I would like to say that this was authentic self-protection during a much needed incubation period, but I can't. It would make sense logically though as I am entering the next phase of so many things. However i get the sense I am kidding myself that it wasn’t good old simple basic fear. Normally after a 'cute guy notice and stare' I smile happily, content knowing that there is something that interesting in the world. This time was different. There was an ache in my gut as I put my ear-buds in my ears and pressed play. An ache I still feel now as I type. I think I know the answer, no forensics required.