dear mm

It’s hard for me to imagine that it was only five years ago that I met her in person. She worked remotely from home and as such she held a mystique about her. Our discourse up until that point occurred via email only so on the day i was to go over to her house for the first time I was excited to finally be meeting the great MM in person. I had only heard great things.

Initially I had only made time for a quick run as there was no need for a long visit. As signing authority she needed to John Hancock a few papers and back to the office I was to go. Those original five minutes became many and those many, many more.

I do not work well if I do not have her in my life.

Of late the dialogues with my female friends both married and single has been centered on mothering. It makes sense as that this topic would be of interest as we are of that age where society casts those meant to carry the torch maternity into the race they need to run. Biologically at least.

I am a bad audience for these conversations for several reasons. I wont go into all of them now as it may ring ‘gay misogynist’ and that is never and not my intent. All this to say for me maternal energy shows it strength way past the drip and poop years. Those meant to mother, to guide, to nourish and encourage do so when those that need it require much more than a wet-nap can provide. Those meant to mother do so even if their life circumstance have not provided them children of their own; biological bonds are not a must have.

MM came into my life when I was humbled by the amount of change I needed to do to make myself the version of myself I was meant to be, the version of myself I wanted to be. Change that ultimately included leaving an industry that was making me toxic, a move out of a city I no longer fit and most importantly beginning a period of introspection that defined me as much of the man I am today. First steps to all of this would not be taken if I didn’t feel safe; I had not felt safe until she came into my life.

I wish I knew how she does this as I would bring ‘happy pill’ manufacturers to their knees. Her secret doesn’t reveal itself in her actions but you sense it always. Be it in the warm rasp of her hello at the start of a lengthy phone conversation or the coy stare she gives you during one of her well attended dinner parties, she sees more about you than you do. Being near and around her she makes your own skin, regardless of how unsure you are of it, fit like it should.

After every time we speak there is a part of me that feels guilty. Guilt over my inability to possibly pay her back for all she has brought to my life. An enormous amount.

She called today, asked how I was. I spoke of the current period of change that I again find myself in with my life circumstances demanding endurance from me that I must trust I have. I was reminded of that day five years ago and the relief I had felt as I sat in her home when our friendship began. There was an echo today as I felt the same relief the moment I heard her voice.

Parental energy sets the foundations of self. It establishes the esteem needed to not fear what life brings you with trust in your own ability to navigate; even if you don't have it, you know some one does. It gives volume to your own voice and validates those inherent needs and desires you need to be you.

Foundations were set five years ago, and now I confidently build the second story.