surplus of solitude...scary

“They have office all over the world, likely the department I am being recruited for is in San Francisco, but who knows. P so would come with too which is awesome, I will know more tomorrow” the roommate says while making dinner. I fight the urge to say “but we were supposed to buy a triplex together, that was the goal” and instead wish him well during his interview tomorrow and I look forward to hearing more about it.

In two days I will have 10 extra hours of alone time on my hands, for a month at least. The roommate is going on one of his extended cross continental trips and work will finish, both presenting me with more quiet then I have become used to.

People at work keep asking what I will do next, and I say truthfully “looking forward to some serious time off, rest relaxation etc”. For the most part that statement is true. I am ready for a pause and I am ready for what is next. But I am also really scared. Not about paying my bills, but rather soothing my social needs. I am one of those people that use work both vocationally and as a tool to meet and form bonds. I am not on of those hidden in his cubical types, I actually like to learn about my coworkers lives, their families etc, all of it. I bond. As well at this job especially, my coworkers have helped foster so many things in me that have built such self confidence, I am trepidacious of going it alone. I know its what I have to do, this I know by gut, but my head panics now and again as the day approaches.

The same can be said for the roommate. During our three years together he has served as my in house rational during a period of time when a sound spiritual grounding was needed. He gets credit for so much of the confidence I have today. But again fear finds me when the plans we made are put in jeopardy, when he will leave me for her, etc. He will leave me for her, San Fran or not. Fear finds me. In two days I will be alone, the roommate will come back, but it really is only a matter of time.

Its funny I have traveled the world. I have relocated thrice and successfully made friends in all ports of call. Never once facing fear. I know I will be fine; I am not losing the plot or anything, just a bit nervous.

I also hear my gut speaking and I can’t ignore it. “Its time for you to find your own.”

Perhaps it’s that which scares me the most.