perfect presence

This weekend past was my birthday. I say weekend as it was just that, a nice long weekend full of celebration starting on Thursday and ending Sunday night. I want to write about as cohesive bundle but cannot find synergy amongst the days, which is odd. Regardless the whole weekend has left me with such a holistic smile.

Thursday found me fatigued and tired by the thought of the three weeks of work that lied ahead. I was was due to go to a concert and even though a fan of the band, I so wanted to just crawl under the covers for an rainy night snuggle with my duvet Plus earlier in the day the Love Lady took me through myself yet again in a way that left me with points to ponder further and the duvet would have helped with that as well. But I had committed to go so I went. The band played, my ass jiggled as I danced about for a couple of hours and wandered home cleansed from the fatigue that found me earlier in the day. I was so glad I went as though the official weekend would start tomorrow, that night I fore-played.

Friday found me attending a book signing for the new book from on of my favorite gay authors in one of my favorite bookstores. The writer, a charming man skilled with words typed, was hindered in words said by a nervous stutter that found him the moment he took the mike. I watched him read aloud the words he assembled gracefully on the page but now faced in defense of his own battling tongue. The stutter would attack his emotive momentum anytime passion would find him. I wondered what that must be like, to be the art thief in one’s own gallery, your own work created and stolen by the same hand. I wondered only for a second until it sunk in, I have done this to myself for years now but not with my tongue but with my own thoughts. Initially as the authors stutter snuck out the first few times I felt sorry for him, but this ultimately became envy. I started to envy this man for his self destructiveness literally had a voice different from his own so the battle he would face became easier. When its one’s own thoughts that stealthily erode the secure foundations of self, the battle has to be that much more strategic. Watching this man I was relieved to see him successfully battle his own attacks, it would ultimately serve as inspiration for my own.

Saturday started bright and early at the car rental counter. I had no clue what to expect with the Ms and even more so M and D. The thing is we are relatively new friends, new friends that have never road-tripped or spent a significant amount of time with each other. A full day in the townships would change this and though I was not worried as these are warm welcoming people, the day could have gone a myriad of different ways. Last year I filled a bar with people and made a lot of noise, drank a lot of booze and started my 31st year with a list a mile long of expectations that 365 days later would prove greater then the year could full-fill. I did not want noise this year, I wanted calm. On this Saturday the autumnal sun shone the mature heat of the season as we drove about the vineyard. Its warmth creating a comfortable coddle in car where conversation flowed as easily as the wine. There was no aggression, no expectation, just a languishing calm.

Sunday brought me the inherent whimsy and play that is F. Mexican and desert was had in her neighborhood as gleeful chitter-chatter chewed away five hours in a heartbeat. She is a ray of optimism even when she is being a cynic. Having known F for going on almost 20 years, there is a warmth with her much like that of a comfy sweater. In her space my past and my present fit just right and for that I forever grateful. The perfect nightcap on a weekend full of calm.

Cohesion, maybe? Calm, for sure.