a not so negative space

I can’t stop smiling. This usually happens post run, but I still had the smirk pre-sneakers. I am so madly in love with my life.

Back in May when the deconstruction began and I surrendered to the path life was forcing me down, giving up the plan I was trying to force life down, I read all this literature speaking of awareness afforded those whom believe glee attracts glee, joy attracts joy etc. This simple metaphysical law was supposed to unlock the key of happiness and calm would be found in the most trying times. I cynically smirked back in May; I now smugly grimace in August. I am a convert.

I find myself at home typing in a den littered with papers and mess. The same mess spills out into the rest of the house fill each room with disorganized chaos. Utter Clutter everywhere. The clutter carries through into the cars, wallets, purses, bags, ultimately arriving in the words and conversation cultivated in those that fail to clean it up. The words exchanged dirty and mean. Random barbs sometimes as to the point as a pile of dead branches and other passive aggressively eroding like that of rotten fruit getting more pungent as time goes on.

I don’t come back to judge, there are more enjoyable ways to spend 700 dollars. But I find it impossible not to. In my early twenties it was my own ego trying to educate my parents in a ‘better and more efficient way’ of being human, be it a new technology or be it a new philosophy I was taste testing. I did this in the unapologetically egocentric earnestly that one does as a cocky twenty-something. Then in my late twenties I started to mellow and circumstance granted me clarity and focused introspection. Instead of preaching I merely informed them of the success I was having on an emotional level and told them how in hopes that they too would see a tool they could handle when cleaning up the mess. Eventually realizing that they were never going to, I decided to work on fostering my own life and leaving them to theirs.

My philosophy today protects that which is positive as I know it fortifies faith. Again I don’t mean to preach, I am flawed. I am not always Mr. Mary Sunshine, but I know it gets easier if this is the doctrine I choose to follow and return to when I find myself thwarted on the path.

At home in Montreal a beautiful tropical house plant elegantly bends towards the four-seasons beautiful mountain, art I made or am inspired by graces the wall, the smell of lime and ginger fills my kitchen and living room where my neatly stacked books and organized shoes prep me for the world outside. It stays clean not because of Windex but because of mindset.

Now when I am back at home looking over the space I was raised in I can’t help feel pity. I don’t want to I really don’t, but it saddens me that they fail to see the space they have and the chaos they chose to contain within it.