between the two

I just finished eating D’s pear, I never buy pears. It was a left over from an appetizer he made on his Saturday visit with his friends. Seems like ages ago as tonight has spun far too fast to be just a mere day since he left.

My dad has a tumor on his bladder and goes into surgery Friday morning so I will be flying out in the next few days to be there for him.

I don’t know how or where to start this post as I feel I want to share more about D but now my head is on Dad. Tonight I find myself bookended by the men whom seem to manipulate my mind the most.

Lets be chronological about this and start with D.

Sunday was his last day here and it was lazy as we languished about my neighborhood and ultimately my apartment. A nice meal was cooked and conversation peppered the time as it passed patiently. I say peppered, as it was by no means an decadent pour but rather a mere dusting of his world for only in exchange for a slightly larger piece of mine. Made sense as he was on my turf.

There was a moment when we were sitting on our respective sofas post the dinner where he started to ask me questions about my family. Just before I answered one of them I took a pregnant pause to ponder what it was I was about to share. In my fantasy a boyfriend would ask about my family, we would be on the sofa together with dirtied plates and half empty wine glasses on the table. We had the glasses and plates, he asked the question, yet we were on two separate sofas; we were not boyfriends. I knew this from the behavior all weekend. The cold distance, the lack of any interest in physicality etc, I am not dumb. But as I am about to turn 32 and have never shared familial details with any man I have been intimate with I saw the opportunity as a dry run. A dress rehearsal for the actual scene to come that would end in cuddling post spilling the beans. He actively listened and pondered. Felt good, for me. I would be lying if I said “I didn’t care what he thought” but it was not the goal of the exercise.

That night cold distance again and slumber was found rooms apart. The next day he was again all warm and welcoming and I was left once again confused. More confusion would follow. As we walked through the train station he flippantly mentions the possibility of me joining his parents while all three are in town come September. I stopped dead in my tracks for a second, turned back and asked him “They know about me?” “They have known about you since Edmonton, memory like elephants they have” he replied as matter of fact.

The last few minutes passed as we sat by the platform and I was sad. It’s an almost relationship, as close to as I have and I will likely have with him.

His train came and went and I went to therapy and cried it out. The shrink says I should see it as a taste test, a bittersweet taste test but a taste test none the less. I had a man in my space, in my weekend and my life and I hungered for it like baked goods and pretty things behind shop windows. The trick is now to find a vendor that’s open to my business. Once I saw that I ran about the Plateau streets giddy that I had experienced that. I know more then ever what it is I need and what I want. It was a high I felt to my core and I felt strong.

Today I was at work pondering my next steps, resume editing and half assed flipping through work emails when Sis called me to talk about dad. I left work shortly after hearing the news.

I wish I had a grasp on what I am feeling right now as I find it a confused feeling. Confusing in a different vein than the confusion felt all weekend with D. The confusion with D was in my inability to access the man inclusive of the mixed signals. With Dad it’s the opposite. My confusion came from the rage I was feeling towards this ill man when he is in his time of need. I felt every inch the worst son on the planet.

I wasn’t ready to go home yet prior to today’s news, I was going to set my boundaries and delay this trip a few months until my confidence was solidified with a protective shield of esteem. Esteem I was, for lack of a better phrase, ‘taste testing’ finally for the first time in my life. My shrink agreed and I was going to take control.

Then the news.

Now I find myself forced to return not ready yet for not only just a visit but a visit sure to be most demanding on an architecture fragile and newly formed; I worry about its ability to support. I know this isn’t about me, but I am mad. Confused by my rage and ultimately feeling so guilty inside. I know what will happen, i will go home and I will lead again like I always do in that environment, i just worry I won't be able to this time.

Here is where I want to sum this up or connect both stories as I feel the pull and push polarity of both men is no accident or without lesson. Maybe it’s the glass of wine just consumed that is clouding my ability to connect but I sign off somewhere in the middle of the two.