brotherly love or something like that

“He was like a brother to you, a brother who never judged you…” my mother says as I sit on the other end of the phone emotional trying to make sense out of my confused reaction to my roommate’s formal acceptance of the San Francisco job, a job that will take him out of my Montreal Life come January.

“That’s it, that’s what this is, that is why I feel like this” I replied cutting her off midsentence as soon as she said ‘who never judged you’. I had been trying to figure out the emotional reaction I was having to his move, a reaction I have been trying to smother for fear he will see it ever since San Fran started sniffing around.

I am not naïve, never once did I think our living situation would last forever. I was unprepared however as to how I would feel when the ending came. I don’t harbor any romantic or anything other than platonic love the man and could not be more ecstatic for the good things that lie ahead for him. But my gut aches and apprehension finds me as to living Montreal on my own without him.

When my mother made the comment about judgment, or rather the lack of, the tears came finally suppressing it no longer. The bedroom door was closed and our conversation was whispered so he likely heard nothing. He is a simple rational man and probably has no clue what so ever his unconditional, almost blasé acceptance of my life in its entirety has healed so much that I never knew was not. I am not sure being straight he would understand it. Part of me doesn’t want him to, as it is the simplicity of the relationship that holds its strength.

The plan as it stands is to keep the place and try the whole living alone thing. Finances and ultimately personal headspace will dictate if downsizing and or another roommate will be needed. Regardless there will not be another situation like this in my life. The intimacy will now either be operational (roommate for the sake of bills) or a partner (roommate for the sake of love) in nature. Of course I am hoping for the latter. Friendship will happen in either but never in the affecting way of one crazy dancing French man.