He is supposed to cook me dinner tomorrow, supposed to. He has moved our plans as if it was an outlook meeting twice and is over compensating with the promise of a meal. I am thinking I will cancel on him; I no longer care for him. My friends say things like “give him a chance”, “remember you liked him when you went out”, "he is a nice guy” but I feel nothing but anger about being disrespectfully shelved and wonder is there value in pretending.
Self-help guru calls me and we discuss the idea of being open. She tells me about learned behavior and internal dialogues hinder the openness one needs to let another in. She promises me this can be relearned, I agree out of politeness as it’s her long distance. She ends promising me with her help I can be re-taught to learn to believe a safe place can be built with the help of another even though I have never seen this successfully done the way I would design. Curiously though I wonder is there value in pretending.
Cute young black comedian fills two hours with the defensive youthful misogyny only a closet case burdened by racial expectancy and military upbringing can manifest. We as an audience laugh; he is funny and has the wit and style. Its minute forty I feel sad; he is 26 the crash will happen soon, he is at that age, I know that age. I can’t laugh any more during the show. The audience continues to facilitate his fallacy but again I ask, is there value in pretending.
The comedian said in his show “you turn thirty and you are pretty much who every you are going to be for the rest of your life”. He said it as if aware of it’s approach, fearing his time left to discover all has been book ended. I sit here over discovered and hardened wishing that I will be able to sleep off the fatigue, run out of the sobriety, and just feel glee. But then I ask myself is there any value in pretending.
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